Sometimes
things are on your heart for a while, and you just have to get it out there.
So, here goes. <3 <3
You
guys...
I'm
scared. But I have hope. But I'm still "hopefully scared"...
You see,
my first son, Canon, was an extremely difficult baby.
But let
me back up.
Canon's
birth story went something like this...
I was
about 7 months pregnant when my husband got the call that he'd be leaving
for job training. He had about 2 months to plan and tie up loose ends, and he would
be gone for 6 months. He'd miss our baby's birth and the first 5 1/2
months of his life. We were DEVASTATED but knew The Lord had a plan. We
just didn't know what.
I
remember just praying I would go in to labor at 37 weeks so he would just be
there for the birth. But no, Cody left for training, and I remained pregnant.
Around 41 weeks, we got word that the government shutdown of 2013 may occur. If
that was the case, Cody would be sent home from training for
who-knows-how-long (24 hours? 2 weeks?), and he could be there for the birth. I
was overdue, and discouraged. My doc wanted me to start thinking about
inducing. My body couldn't hold on to the baby much longer. We set a date for
the induction, I got a phone call, and the government shut down occurred.
Cody came home, and I was induced less than 24 hours later.
We went
in at 7pm on the day of the induction so the doc could "prep my
cervix". It's just an uncomfortable way of saying, "We're going to
spread some stuff on your insides to hopefully get you to dilate and
efface." I laid awake almost all night with severe menstrual-like cramps. Cody
slept pretty well ;-) The next day at 9am they checked me...not much progress.
I dilated maaaaaybe 1/2 cm. I was discouraged, but they started me on a
low dose of Pitocin to try and get things moving. It worked, but about 2pm
I just couldn't take it. I was mentally losing control of the situation and
asked for an epidural. After laying awake all night, and laboring throughout
the day, I knew I needed to save strength to push. I was only dilated 4cm,
which was NOT where I wanted to be, and had a ways to go. Around 8pm I was ok'd
to push, at 10cm! The first 30 minutes were great...and then my epidural wore
off. Apparently they gave me a low-dose temporary spinal, and it was meant to
be just that…temporary. I was in THE worst pain of my life. The position
that Canon was in put constant pressure on my tail bone, which felt like it was
going to snap. His position also forced a constant feeling of "I need
to push" and I began dry heaving. After about an hour and a half of
pushing, my OB informed me that my pelvis was too small for Canon to get
through, but I wanted to push a few more times. I wasn’t giving up that easily!
After 2 hours, we all knew he wasn't coming out. The doc ordered a C-section
and more medicine for me, but the man on call for c-sections was nowhere to be
found. After 45 minutes of doctors and nurses paging and searching and me
practically screaming profanity, they finally found the on-call guy sleeping in
the break room (thanks, dude). They wheeled me in, dry heaving and yelling,
in to the operating room. They numbed me, or so they thought, and started to
cut. I FELT IT. I screamed and they realized they misplaced my spinal (thanks
again). After 10 minutes, the numbing took place, and Canon was born at 12:15am
on October 4, 2013.
The first
hour of Canon's life was a blur to me. I had so many drugs in my system. I was
freezing, shaking uncontrollably, and couldn't open my eyes do to the physical
load. I was dizzy, delirious, and couldn't get a hold on Canon. Cody would hold
him for me so I could see him, but I was in and out of clarity. I just wanted
someone to knock me out so I could sleep for 2 days...and then hold him.
We spent
3 days in the hospital, where Canon nursed, and we didn't sleep much. We
went home, and Cody got to be home for a total of 2 weeks. It was a DEFINITE
answer to prayer.
It was
difficult seeing Cody go after his son was born. BUT, we were just
so thankful that he got to be there for the birth.
After Cody
left, life got a little crazy. I did ok for the first two weeks, but after a
traumatizing birth, it was honestly hard to bond with Canon. I see so many
friends having babies: “It was love at first sight!” I roll my eyes and scoff,
but on the inside I’m totally jealous. I didn’t feel that. I felt…like I just
wanted to sleep. I felt frustrated that I didn’t love him unconditionally right
away. And I wondered if I ever would! It took about 6 weeks for me to finally
feel the bond…and when I did, I cried. And now, after 2 ½ years…touch my child
and I’ll rip your face off. <3
It was
winter in Washington, when Cody left, and was dark around 4pm most days. Canon
would sleep in 30 minute increments at night, then be awake for 2 hours…sleep
30 minutes, awake for 2 hours. I survived on roughly 3 hours of sleep each
night for the first month. I remember crying often out of exhaustion. He didn’t
nap more than 15 minutes during the day, and that was only if I held him. I
wasn’t producing enough milk, and the physical toll of nursing was causing
terrible imbalances with my blood sugar. In the 5 ½ months of Cody being gone:
Canon and I had Thrush, Canon had multiple terrible rashes and Eczema, extreme
Colic, Croupe, colds, and infections. I had terrible bouts of Mastitis 4 times,
low milk supply, little sleep, anxiety, and postpartum depression. It. Was.
Rough.
We moved
2,000 miles away to Texas when Canon was 5 ½ months old. I still was dealing
with anxiety, but the PPD was mostly gone (Praise God!). I still struggled with
my milk supply and had to take careful precautions to not get Mastitis again.
And even at 6 months old, Canon would still wake up 5 times each night (or
more!) to nurse, and be awake for the day at 5:30am.
All that to
say…
When we
found out we were pregnant with this baby, I had mixed emotions. I am EXCITED –
totally excited!! But, there’s also that fear of: will this baby cry for hours
on end, like Canon? Will this baby have infections and health issues like Canon?
Will I get any sleep? Will I struggle with Postpartum Depression and anxiety?
Will the birth be a struggle, like Canon’s? Will I bond easily with the baby,
or will it be a struggle? I have SO many concerns…and I think I forcefully say “concerns”
and not “worries”. The Bible tells us NOT TO WORRY…so I disguise my worries as “concerns”
and feel they’re magically ok. But they’re not ok! I’ve been praying through
many of these things, and when the worry rises, I honestly just feel peace.
I don’t
know what this baby will be like. I’ve had friends tell me, “You can’t really
go downhill with the next one – you’ve been through it all!” That’s true…but we’ll
take it one day at a time, and with God’s grace, we’ll get through it <3
In the mean
time…pray for me ;-)
