Today has been weird. And honestly, I’m exhausted.
This pregnancy has been difficult. My body is extremely sensitive
to internal and external stimuli. It’s always been this way, and I’ve always
felt strange because of it. Things I struggle with:
1.
Blood sugar issues: I’ve been severely
hypoglycemic for almost 10 years. I have to bring a source of carbs and protein
everywhere I go, as my sugars will drop suddenly, or I’ll need more protein to
soften the crash.
2.
I can’t have any caffeine. Like, not even
caffeinated herbal tea. It’ll put me in the hospital.
3.
I break out in a rash if my skin gets too cold or
dry for too long. The only way to get rid of it is to move to a humid, warm
area. However…
4.
My body doesn’t tolerate being exposed to higher
(like, above 90 degrees) for too long. I have low blood pressure. My veins
dilate, and I will pass out, even with abundant water intake.
5.
I can tell when I’m ovulating and PMSing,
because my body takes on water weight and my blood sugars are more difficult to
control.
6.
My anxiety levels spike when I’m ovulating and
on my menstrual cycle because of the hormone shifts.
7.
My physical fight-or-flight response is EASILY
triggered and has a hard time going down: being surprised, meeting a new person,
feeling “stuck” in social situations, changes in schedule, etc.
So, it was no surprise when my OB and midwife confirmed my
self-made diagnosis of my body being superiorly sensitive while pregnant. So
much so, that I’ve had a hard time turning off my fight-or-flight response the
last month or so. I can tell when I have hormone shifts and spikes while
pregnant, and it has caused my body to go in to a terrible state of anxiety. I
brought up my concerns regarding anxiety to my midwife at my last appointment.
Anxiety is a weird thing. My thoughts and my BRAIN are not
anxious, but my BODY is. My brain’s wiring is off.
I’ve read and memorized Bible verses, prayed, declared truth
over myself…I talk with friends, exercise, do yoga…and for some reason, my
anxiety the last month has been debilitating at times. I felt like I was going
crazy. I wasn’t ME, and I missed ME. I could hardly pull myself up off the
couch at times because I felt like the world was spinning around me.
I’ve cried. I’ve had multiple panic attacks.
And so often I feel GUILTY. The Bible says so many times, “Do
not worry”, and “do not be anxious…” I declare these things over myself and
when it doesn’t work I wonder what I’m doing wrong, and what’s wrong with ME.
When you are throwing up with the flu, no one questions it. When you throw your back out, no one doubts the pain. But for some reason, when
one has a issue with the wiring in their brain, people look at them like they’re
weird.
“You just need to pray about it.”
“You just need to get over it.”
“You just need to take a bath and go to sleep.”
Thanks. Yep. I’ve heard it all. And yet I sit here typing
this, feeling like my body is going to leap out of itself. All because of a
chemical imbalance in my brain, brought on by pregnancy.
Today I had 3 panic attacks. I could barely pick myself up
off the floor. I called Cody at work, balling, and he fortunately was in a spot
to where he could come home and help me.
I took my first prescription tonight for an anti-anxiety
medicine (yes, it’s ok for pregnancy). My midwife warned that it will take 6
weeks for it to really take effect, so I’m praying for no side effects, as it
can apparently make you feel “funny” the first few weeks.
I wanted to write this blog post because I think so many
people struggle with this, but it’s not really spoken of.
If you’re struggling, I’m here…because I’m in the trenches
with you <3
